Revolutionizing the checkout lane

My husband, R has theories about life. LOTS of theories. Some are about the big stuff, some the mundane, some are just ludicrous, but we'll keep those "inside the sanctity of the marriage".
Last night, while discussing one of his well loved theories, we began to expound and came up with a solution that we believe would revolutionize retail checkout. (Specifically, grocery stores and the Walmarts and Targets of the world) My love is invariably sent to the store at least once a day to pick something up for our house AND he is a man. Therefore, he wants to get in and out. No need for chit chat about the weather. You might say "use the electronic checkout" however, many of his purchases include age restricted items (see alcohol) and this now involves an employee to become involved....FAIL.
I will spare you the gender/class/race generalizations that led him to his original thoughts about choosing the employee "checker" and cut right to the chase.
Checkout lanes will no longer be classified into 10-20 items or less and Duggar style shopping.
Lane 1. The lane of shame: This lane is reserved for those buying tampons, condoms, hemorrhoid cream, and the inevitable combo purchase of batteries and KY. The employee in this lane is specially trained NOT to speak to the customer or even make EYE contact. This lane closest to the door, brown paper bags only and NO intercom price checks!
Lane 2. The common social pleasantries lane: This lane gives quick efficient service, while still maintaining an environment of basic social mores. The employee that works this lane is trained to be quick, smile, say "thank you" and move right along. (IMHO, all lanes at all stores should be this lane)
Lane 3. Building a relationship lane: I shop here often, I want the employee in this lane to acknowledge this fact, say hi to the kids and ask if I found everything okay. Maybe one time out of ten, ask me if I have any suggestions to make my shopping experience more pleasurable at this store.
Lane 4. The Shopping is my sole source of social interaction for the day lane: We live in Melbourne FL. Thus, the demographic of our neighborhood skews to this population. Skews HEAVILY. The employee in this lane is trained to eye your purchases, ask about the meal you are preparing with your items, and suggest new recipes based on, said items. The employee will also inquire about your health (see bowel movements) based upon the remedies placed upon the conveyor belt from the pharmacy isle, and perhaps a new hair color based on the items from the toiletries isle. All weather, sports, political, and religious conversations are to be held in this lane. All pictures of grandchildren and dogs are to be shown in this lane.
At this point, we were done, but in a nod to the reason the electronic checkout is a fail we created just one more.
Lane 5. The Intervention Lane: Excuse me Mr/Ms D, but I can't help notice that you are in here buying wine AGAIN.....

A blonde walks into a car dealer service dept.........

A great beginning to so many jokes....
This one, however, has a twist to the punch line. Bear with me. A couple (few) months ago the check engine light came on in the Sequoia. R took it to the local "Car doctor" they ran diagnostics, nothing wrong. Turned lights off on dash (there were two others on too) "that'll be 90 bucks sir."
The next day on the way to Orlando, lights come on again...wow, it has been a while. That was before our seasonal passes blocked out for Disney. So I figured "hey, just checked yesterday...it's fine." R says he'll make an appt @ dealership. He doesn't. Recall notice comes in the mail. Sounds like it may have something to do with the other two lights that came on, so he finally makes an appt. After all, it's a recall, so fixing it will be free. RIGHT?
Fast forward to today. Noon. I drive up to service dept. Three kids, books bags, Wendy's lunch. (Don't judge me. Kid with CF. high fat, high salt is health food)
Young guy (see kid, child, embryo...he called me maam, and I don't think it was southern politeness) meets me at the service dept driveway. We go through the whole schpeel. I ask how long it will be, he gives me an "estimate". On time, not cash. As I get out and hand him the keys; as I'm opening the door to the backseat, I throw out there "BTW, I have 3 children that will be waiting with me and if I think this is taking too long, I WILL let them run through the showroom cars, honking all the horns." That was my first "...Uh, yes ma'am" (he almost saluted)
I pile my ducklings out of the car. For those of you that have piled 3 kids out of a car with schoolwork and lunch in hand, you know this takes quite a while. At this point, there is a LINE of service techs opening doors, offering to carry bags, etc.
So, my brood and I take completely over the service area waiting room. As we walk in, the other customers scatter. It was almost as if we had signs across our foreheads that proclaimed EBOLA patients! Yeah, yeah, I know, school is back in session and blah blah...its okay. I get it. If they weren't mine, I would've headed for the hills too. Just as well. I announced that the TV had to be turned off just as the last of them were leaving the room.
We ate our lunch. I started school. Employees kept walking through. A lot of coffee was retrieved from the pot...I suspect for all the other customers waiting out in the newly constructed "no children waiting area".
Those who braved the scene seemed impressed by both the kids and the schooling. Not pride this time. I myself was pleasantly SHOCKED at how well they were behaving.
So, it's time for the service guy to come "deliver the news".
This is where it gets unconventional.
Mrs. Dunlap? / Yes? / Well, the good news is your car is not affected, at all by the recall. This is the "good news"? In my head I hear, "So this won't be on the house"
Me: Okay, so what is it?
Him: The check engine light is on because of an O2 sensor problem.
Me: And this means?
Him: Well, the O2 sensor lets the catalytic converter know...blah, blah, blah....(why am I bothering to to go through this explanation with you, a WOMAN, who clearly knows NOTHING about which I speak) blah, blah, blah....
Me: Oh, so it's strictly an emissions problem
Him: (Silence, hear crickets)
Me: This has nothing to do with the safety and mechanics of my vehicle, does it?
Him:..Uh, yes maam, but the catalytic converter blah, blah, (oh shit) blah blah...nods toward my "precious cargo" blah blah safety blah blah...
Me: But, you can actually take a cc off of a car completely and not affect the safety of the vehicle. CANT YOU???
Him: head hung...yes maam.
Me (again): So, this IS only an emissions problem. RIGHT?
Him: yes maam.
Me: And when I lived in GA, I had to have an emissions test to get my tags. (Pregnant pause) I don't have to have one of those in the State of FL, do I?
Him: (head hung low, face red by now) mumbles no maam.
And there is was...Victory.
I'm old. I've mellowed. I needed no more.
Me; Okay, we're here, do it.
In the interest of full disclosure, my father is a mechanic. A jet engine mechanic by his first profession (USAF), an LC hovercraft mechanic by second career (NAVY) and a "drone" QC mechanic guy for a civilian contractor for the third. (None of our cars EVER went to "the car doctor" when I was growing up...come to think of it, no repairman ever darkened our doorstep. The man did everything!) Every mechanical term logged into this old cranium came from him. Ten thousand other things could have been wrong with this car and I would have been clueless. But it wasn't. So, for today, at least...THE BLONDES WIN!!!
(and I know what you are thinking....my hairdresser will NEVER talk!)

Tales from the backseat

Okay, first and foremost, facebooking has had an effect (or is it affect, I always confuse those) on my blog. It is so much easier to just post a quick update than sit down and write an entire blog entry. To this end, I will rededicate myself (again) to more postings. Even if they are as short and sweet as a facebook post.
Today, my little students worked diligently and finished school before lunch. As a reward I decided to take them to the beach after (lunch).
This is a tale from the backseat on the way to the beach.
G states that I "must" take her to Disney to let her visit Pooh and Tink. F tells her that I only have to do what the bible says and that no where in the Bible does it say that I have to take my children to Disney. G (not missing a beat, always ready with a sassy answer) says "oh yes, it does, in Romans, Chapt 13, verse 22!She was "selling it" I had to admire her:)
W, from the third seat, happens to have his Bible that he did not take inside after church on Sunday decides to look up this passage.
Turns out Romans Chapt 13, vs 22 does not exsist. He asks her "Are you sure you didn't mean Chpt 14? There is no vs 22 in Chpt 13 of Romans."
G plays along and gives him subsequent chpts to research.
The next one he is assigned is somewhere in John. "The man went out and told others that Jesus had healed him" (I paraphrase)
This is where I chime in..."Yep, no Pooh in that passage either. G are you sure you read this in the bible?"
Of course this only serves to give my blessing to this new game of theirs and fuels the fire. W is given more passages to find and read...none of which say I HAVE to take my kids to Disney, BTW.
W is frantically thumbing through, giving G more ideas. He hits the book of Job(e). He askes her. "Is it in Job?"
F speaks up. "OH, You won't find ANYTHING enjoyable or very entertaining in Job(e)!"
Me:(thinking she's only bluffing) calls her on it."oh really Faith, and what does it say in Job?"
Faith: "That's where Satan destroys everything and everybody that Job has. His house, his family, .....and goes on and on. Keep in mind. Although I am familiar with these stories, I am sure that I have never discussed them with her. I actually find it a bit unsettling that God would play games with his poor, faithful servant in such a way. This knowledge has only been aquired by her own reading and attention to Sunday sermons.
As she's going on (and on and on) I find that my work here is done.
DONE!

We're Floridian Now!

It was brought to my attention a couple of weekends ago how “Floridian” we have become. Shoes(MIL), Aunt Joey(SIL), and her two children (Sweet Jenna and Jackson who endured an entire piano recital without complaint) visited. Right here I would like to insert how blessed I am to have these two ladies in my life. I understand that not everyone feels that way about their MIL, and SIL, but I do, and yes, I DO realize my great fortune. In fact, the original plan for this blog post was to gush about them and our wonderful relationship, but that's just not nearly as entertaining. The first night Shoes was relating a scarring story from her past involving the dreaded palmetto bug. Twenty min. later, I went to the bathroom and had to kill one such bug crawling across the floor. The next day the cousins flipped out over a spider in W’s room, where my own children’s reaction was to to calmly explain that “spiders are our friends…..they eat the mosquitos.” Then Will went into a lengthy oral bookreport on Charlotte’s Web. Day three (and last of their visit) we come home to a snake crawling across the sidewalk to the front door entrance.Again, my family just steps over the thing while our guests are left to....well, not be so pleased. This was Aunt Joey's (R's sister) first trip to our house since we moved to FL. I wonder just how long it will take her to return... Here are some pics from piano recital night. It was my boy's first, and Faith's second recital. Of course beaming with pride would be an understatement.

Family vacation

Have you ever had this experience? You get a puppy. It eats your shoes, pees in the floor and does other sundry annoying "puppy things". Finally it stops. You've done your job well. Mostly it's just "grown out" of these behaviours, but you pat yourself on the back just the same. You have a loyal, bonafide member of your family. Your new life companion. A little time goes by and one day you look at your loyal friend. Of course you've looked at your loyal friend everyday for the entire time you've had him, but this time you notice something different. Your loyal friend, your life companion, has a graying muzzle. You would swear it wasn't there yesterday and your heart hurts just a little. The next day you notice even more gray! Where did this all come from? And now the chest! Your loyal friend seems to be aging overnight.
This exact thing happened to me recently. Only I don't have a dog. Our family went to the Keys for vacation in early May. My husband didn't shave. Out of no where came the graying muzzle. The next day there was even more! Since we were in the Keys, most of our time was spent in swimsuits so I saw him without a shirt more than usual. There it was all over his chest! My initial reaction was the same as with the dog, but it only lasted a split second. My second thought was, "It's okay, he doesn't have a life expectancy of only 15 yrs" In the third second I reached "Well, it's about dang time!" Here I am aging all over the place and this man has seemed to be doing some Benjamin Buttons routine on me for the past few years. Seriously, the man runs marathons.....LOTS of them!
So, my love, welcome to middle age.....I've been waiting on you.
Below, I'm posting some pictures from our trip.

WARNING: The information below may be both addicting and damaging to your health.

If Satan had a drink, what would it be? I know, your first guess would be tequila...who of us hasn't fallen under the spell of that magic elixer (at least in our youth) But NO! It is not tequila. (mentally hear the BUZZ, wrong answer) And if Satan had a messenger what would he/she look like? Hitler? Stalin? Pam Anderson?
I have a friend. She is beautiful, witty, articulate and a pleasure to be around. She also blogs. To all my ATL friends, think conservative, christian, Beth R. My new friend (not Beth, but that's NOT to call Beth my OLD friend) is also a home schooling mom. My new friend, we'll call her Dee Dee ('cause that's her name, and all) recently blogged about her Mother's Day gift.
Her husband, who has now elevated himself in my mind to husband/god (little "g", so as not to be blasphemas)Bought her a bottle of...drumroll, please.....
CHOCOVINE!
Yes, chocolate wine! Although, it tastes more like chocolate Bailey's than a fine merlot.
I am partaking of a glass right at this moment because my own husband/god ran to the store as fast as he could to procure a bottle of this sinful potion. (I'm assuming HE is hoping to hencefore refer to it as "love potion #9 judging by the rapidity with which the bottle found it's way into the house)
So, thank you Dee Dee, thank you Tom, thank you, Richard and thank you makers of Chocovine (Satan) I truely have a new vice. Beth, my NOT old, but allergic to chocolate friend, I both love and pity you at the same time tonight.

Happy Birthday, Grace!

My amazing Grace, my baby, my GG. (Gracie girl, grumpy girl, grundgy girl) was born 5 years ago. I love that she was born on 3:16 and the name we had picked for her is Grace. Wow! It was almost midnight and the epidural was wearing off when my unexpected blessing came into this world. My third child in as many years. I wasn't sure God knew what he was doing with this one. This (statistically) medically impossible child, but I am certainly glad he sent her. Our family would not be the same without our GG. For one thing, the house would be a LOT more quiet. Faith always has her head stuck in a book, Will, well, he's got a Y chromosome...'nuff said, but Grace is in CONSTANT commentary mode. To us, to herself, it doesn't matter! Always talking, ALWAYS talking. If we were Jews trying to hide from the Nazi's in a wall, Anne Frank style, our family would be screwed! It's her birthday, so I will focus on the positive articulate qualities of my daughter. It's a sign of intelligence, right? Of my children's aspirations, GG has the most unusual. If all their dreams come to pass, I will have a Nobel winning scientist, an astronaut and......wait for it..."a stilts person". Yes, GG wants to be a person that walks on stilts when she grows up. You are thinking..hmmm...third child, tired of always being the smallest, etc. No, GG wants to be a stilts person because they make people smile. How sweet is that? In addition to sweet, my babygirl is smart and tenacious too. She was Mary in our church's production of The Christmas play last year. Yes, at four. I thought Michelle was a little out of her mind for casting a 4 yr old who'd never performed on stage in such a crucial role,(also, she can't carry a tune in a bucket and it was a musical with a solo!) but she pulled it off with flying colors. I have to say, that of the three, she took the whole production the most seriously and behaved better throughout the sememster. She LOVES to perform. GG is constantly creating plays to keep us entertained. I wish that I could bottle her energy for life, as it seems boundless! Happy Birthday to my Gracie Girl! Mommy loves you very much!

Will's first race

Will ran his first race today. The Rhino Romp. It was a 3k @ our local Zoo. He was so excited. When R went in to wake him up @630AM he was already awake. He said he's been awake since 5! Faith and Daddy ran with him on his grand debut. Enjoy the pictures..

Hanoi Hilton- We've broken the code!

My two girls' beds share a wall. Apparently they have worked out a code. I found this in both of their rooms, in Faith's handwriting. In case you can't see the picture clearly.
Reading 1
Playing 2
What are you doing? 3
ok 4
yes 5
no 6
I'm coming to check on you 7
I'm going potty 8
Do you have dolls in bed? 9
Stop 10
I love you 11
Goodnight 12

I can only assume the nunbers are knocks on the adjacent wall. Sneaky sneaky.... I don't hate it....

2011 so far...

So, after I was halfway through all the uploads and updates, I realized I was doing this chronologically backwards! Duh? So, scoll to the bottom of the post and read from bottom to top..what can I say? It's just one of those days...

Daddy had a birthday.


Watched the next to last Shuttle Launch from the front yard.
Another Sewing project.


Faith took Communion for the first time.

DB's first Valentine's Party!








I sewed some more..

I sewed...

Back to disney!




Four funerals and a wedding...
Remember the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral? The oldest son of dear friends got married in Jan. It was a DB first. It occured to me that my children have had the opposite of that movie. Four funerals and a Wedding....way to much sadness in their short little lives.









GG got the Disney flu from the first visit!


Because I am tired of picking up their crap, and because I am into "experiences" over things these days, Christmas present this year was Disney passes...There will be a lot of these pics in the months to come.




New Year's Day -
Daddy was still here from Chirstmas. We spent a beautiful New Year's Day at Cocoa Beach.